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October 9, 2008 – 9:45 am
I swear to God this is true:
“John McCain Won Senate Congeniality Contest”
-Washington
The lies of John McCain continue. Running on his Maverick, out-sider, take no prisoners image, John McCain has claimed several times that he “never won any Senate Congeniality competitions.” However Senate records show that McCain twice won the annual Senate Congeniality Competition. In fact, he won by such a landslide in 1987, he was asked not to compete the following year, so as to give others a chance.
“This is appaling,” said fellow Senator and the Democratic Vice Presidential nominee Joe Biden. “For him to say he never won the competition is a slap in the face to all Americans. I worked across the aisle to make sure he won. Of course it was easy considering he won 97-2.”
Republicans defended the Senator’s position.
“When McCain says he didn’t win the competition he means that since he won by such a large amount, it wasn’t really a contest. And how can you win if it wasn’t a contest,” according to Arlen Spector (R, PA). “This is just another attempt by the Obama campaign to smear John McCain. The American people know who the real John McCain is a real ornery S.O.B. And that’s who the American people want leading them the next four years.
When asked for a comment a McCain spokesperson told this reporter to “burn in hell” followed by ” see, that’s the kind of leadership you get from John McCain. He’s a total asshole. American’s know that.”
October 7, 2008 – 9:14 am
Last night I was wondering what G.W. Bush is going to do after he gets out of office. It might be hard for him to find a job considering how he has failed on such a spectacular level. Most ex-presidents make a lot of money going around, giving speeches, but as we all know, public speaking isn’t one of his strong suits.
Doesn’t he seems like the kind of guy who makes a really good salsa. That could be a business opportunity for him right there. George W. Bush- Salsa. Could have three temperatures- Mild, Medium, and Nu-ca-lur. He could put his face on the jar, Paul Newman style. Conservatives would love it because they’d think he was a bad ass, liberals would love it for the irony.
He could do commercials for them- “George W. Bush Peach Salsa- There’s peaches in the salsa.”  “I’m George W. Bush and I approve this salsa.” The possibilities are endless.
He could make his own brand of terrorist salsa. We’d all know it’s simply hummus, but it’d be fun for him.
“George W. Bush Salsa- You eat it with chips”
“George W. Bush- It’s a heckofa Salsa”
Seriously, this is brilliant.
October 6, 2008 – 9:36 am
The Cubs were swept this weekend by the Los Angeles Dodgers. What was supposed to be our year, ending before it even began.
To sum up my feelings about the Chicago Cubs:
I feel like I’m 17 years year old, at the prom, and my date passed out drunk before we got to have sex. And she promised me this was going to be the time. Finally.
She’s passed out and I’m just sitting in the room, overdressed and lonely. I pull out the unused condom in my pocket, look at it, and the reality that I will not be using it starts to fully sink in.
I look at my date, covered in sequins and vomit, knowing she’s going to come to and ask me what happened. And I’ll want to tell her she ruined my life. That I can never believe another thing she says ever again, she’s an embarrassment to everyone who knows her, and I can’t believe that so much of my life has been wasted on her.
But I know deep in my heart, when she does open those pathetic little eyes, and asks me if I hate her, I’ll just say “No. We’ll wait until next year.”
October 3, 2008 – 11:11 am
Curse: the expression of a wish that misfortune, evil, doom, etc., befall a person, group, etc.
-dictionary.com
“You wrong me every way; you wrong me”
-Julius Caesar
If you watched the Cubs vs. Dodgers last night, and don’t think there is a Curse on the Chicago Cubs, you are probably one of the 23% of the population who still supports President Bush.
Don’t think there is a curse? Four errors on a night that Carlos Zambrano is pitching really really well. One from each of your infielders! Our catcher, Geovany Soto tried throwing the ball to back to the pitcher, rolls it half way there. It was as Stephen Hawking had thrown the ball to the mound.
Jim Edmunds hits 2 shots right against the wall, they don’t go out of the ball park, meanwhile Manny Ramierez hits one of the longest home runs I’ve ever seen in Wrigley Field.
Game One Ryan Dempster, 17 game winner, walks 7 batters.
There is a curse alright, but it isn’t on the players. They’re all mercenaries (beside Kerry Wood, a life long Cub with immense promise who has had a career riddled with injuries) . They don’t care if they are playing for the Dodgers or the Cubs or the Kansas City Royals. You think Fukodome believes in a curse? You think Alfonso Soriano cares that a black cat ran across Wrigley Field in 1969, which led directly to the Cubs collapsing to the Mets? No. We’re more upset about this then the players are. They lose the series, they’re going to Cabo for a month to count their millions. I’m going to be the one sitting in the crammed subway, freezing my ass off, Googling the exorcism of Billy Goats.
After every strike out, every inning gone by with out us scoring last night, I was yelling at the television- demanding the people in the stand to charge the field- start leaving in droves, throw things at the players, tear them limb from limb. This is not the thinking of a rational man.
It’s the fans who are cursed. It’s the people who paint their faces and spend 1/2 of their money for playoff tickets who are cursed. Athletes talk all the time about feeding off the energy of the crowd- well the Cubs players are choking on the energy of our hatred. Every time the Cubs make the playoffs the fans turn from this friendly, lovable lot, into manic depressives on the brink of suicide. We are a group of people who are convinced that we do not deserve love or happiness. That is the Curse of the Chicago Cubs.
Cassius said in Julius Caeser “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves that we are underlings.” And until the entire Cubs nation lets go of this curse, once and for all, we will be condemned to a live of misery, just be peeping about, finding ourselves dishonorable graves.
October 2, 2008 – 2:53 pm
I have been blessed with many things in life. But one of the crosses I have to bear is being a life long, die hard, Chicago Cubs fan
Being a Cubs fan is like you have this really cute puppy. And it’s smart and funny and loves you more then life itself. It’s like a ray of sunshine in your otherwise bleak, meaningless existence. Now picture watching this puppy get run over by a bus every single day for six months.
I truly believe all Chicago Cubs fans are seriously contemplating suicide today.
And all that pain was on display last night in full force. We started the game feeling on top of the world. We have the best record in the National League, a balanced offensive attack, dominant starting pitching, a rock solid bull pen, and we’re playing the team with the worst record in the playoffs. Then our starting pitcher, our 17 game winner 14-3 at home, walks 7 batters. SEVEN BATTERS!!! In the fifth inning he walks three in a row and gives up a grandslam. Our all star lead-off hitter goes 0-5. Manny F-ing Rameriez hits a homerun on a ball so low that our rookie of the year catcher (who also went hitless) was getting ready to block the ball in the dirt.
And you could see the desperation, the disappointment, the here we go again, the 100 years of failure, the black cat, the Padres collapse, the Bartman incident, it’s all coming back.
If the Cubs lose tonight the saddest place in the world will be Wrigley Field. And the bar in which I will be breaking my sobriety.
October 1, 2008 – 9:24 am
It’s a sad day when if you can remember when Clemson was good in football, you are showing your age.
When I was a kid Clemson was dominant. Just by showing up they won most of their games. Danny Ford walked the sideline, spitting chewing tobacco, kicking ass and taking names. National title in 1981, top ten finishes, ACC titles, the Tigers were a force to be reckoned with- and I hated them.
One of the things I inherited from my father is a sick condition that causes me to root against our hometown teams. I guess I enjoy seeing people around me miserable. Plus we were Virginia Tech fans back when Virginia Tech wasn’t very good. Clemson used to demolish us. Now, thankfully, that has changed.
But the longer I live in New York City, the more empathy I have for the Clemson Tigers and their fans. The better they are, the more they are on ESPN, the more I am reminded of home. Of course now it’s to watch everyone talk about how overrated they are which isn’t nearly as fun as it once was. And watching the Orange faithful pour out of Death Valley after another crushing defeat, formerly one of my favorite things to see, now makes me a little…sad. Those are my people- I grew up with them, I know people at the game, they deserve better then this.
When did this happen? When did the Tigers go from being the this football monolith to the team that got slaughtered by Alabama on national television and got beat by Maryland (Maryland?) at home.
September 18, 1988 is when it happened. Sept 18 1988, a little over 20 years ago, the beginning of the end of dominant Clemson Tiger Football. Clemson, ranked number three and at home, was locked in an epic battle with number 10, Florida State. The Tigers had come up with a huge defensive stand and were poised to get the ball back with 1:31 left in the game, tied 21-21. That’s when Bobby Bowden pulled the ole’ punt-ruski. The punter jumped like the ball had gone over his head, players run to the right side of the field, except the guy with the ball- he takes off down the left side line 70 some-odd yards all the way to the one yard line. They kick a field goal and win 24-21 One of the greatest plays in college football history. And the pall it cast over Death Valley that has not lifted to this day.
And Tommy Bowden is not the answer. Neither is any buttoned up, got his act together kind of coach. Clemson needs to get their swagger back. They need their next Danny Ford. They need a redneck, mouth full of chew, womanizing, beer drinking, church on Sunday my ass type of guy to go in there, to call out the entire team for being a bunch of sissy, pre-Madonna, weaklings, fire the strength and conditioning coach, get a bunch of fat strong offensive line men, a fast tailback, a nasty defense and start playing smash mouth football again. If for no other reason so I can hate you guys again in peace and stop feeling bad for how pathetic your team has become.
And most importantly so I can say the phrase “Clemson used to be good” without revealing the decade in which I was born.
September 29, 2008 – 9:17 am
The current financial situation, along with 47 days of sobriety, has caused me to take stock of my own financial situation. And I have come to the conclusion that I am broke. No money. When I was 16 years old and babysitting, I had more cash on hand then I do now at 30. If there was a situation that arose tomorrow, and I needed money for it, I would be screwed.
I don’t think I am the only one. I am convinced that the current crises is being exacerbated by the fact that everyone is broke. If people are foreclosing on their houses, there is no money in the kitty.
This isn’t 100% Wall Street’s fault. If we have no financial discipline in our own lives, how can we be shocked when people in positions of power don’t have it their. And how much less afraid would we all be feeling if we had 6 months of emergency expenses saved which is the first piece of advice given by any decent financial adviser. We’re all too busy buying new flat screens or going out to dinner every night when the economy is good that when it’s bad we freak out of government has to step in and bail us out.
There will always be financial crises, and next time let’s all be a little more prepared.
September 25, 2008 – 2:26 pm
Our economy is tanking. Oh no! Are we all peeing in our skinny jeans? Do we have our Calvin Klein Boxer briefs in a wad? Are we hanging ourselves with our Burbury Scarves? Is it time to batten down the hatches of our vacation homes? Has your IRA dropping been a tough pill to swallow with your morning venti frapacino? Are we cutting out basics of life like HBO and Showtime? Have you been watching Congress bail us out on your 60 inch, Flat Screen Blu Ray?  Time to take a break and forget about it all? Time to go to the Alps, or Paris? Of course you’re on a budget now, so someplace more modest- Cancun? Just like troubles in the past, you can always count on our savior, the Holy Trinity, Visa, Mastercard, and American Express to get see us through.
September 22, 2008 – 9:20 am
I was in church last week and a girl in front of me had a t-shirt on “The Forbidden Fruit Tastes the Sweetest.” And all I could stare at was her shirt. Who is this person who looked through her entire wardrobe and figured the best shirt she could wear was a mocking send up of the very act that got us all kick out of the Garden of Eden. If it wasn’t for that forbidden fruit we’d all be in paradise walking around naked. And here she is making fun of that on a t-shirt in church. Unbelievable. What are some other shirts she could wear?
Jesus Died for My Sins and all I got Was this Lousy T-Shirt
I Survived Jesus’ All You Can Eat Fish Buffet
Jesus is Coming- Look Busy
Mary is my Homegirl
September 19, 2008 – 2:25 pm
-I saw that Coors is the Official Beer of Nascar. How can an activity that involves driving 180 mph have an official beer?
- I get so embarrassed if my credit card is declined. Like the seventeen year old at the cash register is going to judge me and think I’m a loser. I always pretend like I was expecting that to happen.  “Thank you for checking that for me. I needed to make sure it wasn’t still working. This is the one I wanted you to use. That one has been declined too? Great. That is good. It’s probably because I’m shopping outside of my zip code. My bank is protecting me. Can I write you a check?”
-I have a friend who is a scientist, and he’s always giving me too much information on things. He said to me:
“Do you know dandruff is actually a fungus eating away at your scalp?”
and I said:
“No more Parmesan cheese for me waiter, thank you.”
While that is incredibly disgusting, it is also a brilliant marketing idea for Head and Shoulders.  Just say:
Head and Shoulders-Fungus is Eating You Scalp.
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